I, State Senator Jim Horne, need to atone for all my sins and my crimes. I have not be a kind and faithful man, and once this letter is done, I will make sure that I do not harm another human being ever again. This list of crimes is detailed, though certainly not complete, and I highly suggest looking into my business practices as well as my office.

A list of my crimes, of which I should be punished:

Pushing an elderly woman down in a grocery store
Hiring a hitman to take out my father so that I could take over his State Senate seat
Getting my father killed
Bribing businessmen and women for their votes in taking over the State Senate seat
Not looking both ways when crossing the street
Getting my neighbor kicked out of his townhome because he didn’t vote for me
Getting my other neighbor arrested for looking at me strange
Reading my neighbor’s mail
Getting that neighbor kicked out of his house for writing bad letters about me
Stealing WiFi
Eating pizza off the floor
Drinking out of the milk carton
Stealing apples
Stealing items from a store
Forcing employees to give me discounts
Breaking too many Terms of Services agreements to name
JailBreaking an iPhone 6
Illegal Gambling
Illegally downloading books and music
Paying off members of Boston Police Department
Paying off members of State Senate
Running red lights
Not paying my Mass Pike tolls
Using ‘gas guzzler’ as a car
Not recycling
Texting while driving
Not wearing a seatbelt most of the time while driving
Hit and Run on December 13, 1999 on Mass Ave, of which I was never arrested
Not picking up after my dog when he goes to the bathroom
Not registering my dog
Money laundering
Sexual harassment
Physical abuse towards my wife and assistant
Emotional abuse towards various women and men working for me
Rape of several women, including Faith Harris in 2002, Amelia Thomas in 2010, Jane Blume in 2015, and 3 others in the years of 2000, 2005, and 2009.
Blackmailing my former victims to stay quiet so they don’t mess up my life and my career

For these crimes, I will punish myself. I just ask for forgiveness for every horrible thing that I have ever done, though I do not deserve it.