A list of my crimes, of which I should be punished:
• Jaywalking
• Pushing an elderly woman down in a grocery store
• Nepotism
• Hiring a hitman to take out my father so that I could take over his State Senate seat
• Getting my father killed
• Littering
• Bribing businessmen and women for their votes in taking over the State Senate seat
• Not looking both ways when crossing the street
• Getting my neighbor kicked out of his townhome because he didn’t vote for me
• Getting my other neighbor arrested for looking at me strange
• Reading my neighbor’s mail
• Getting that neighbor kicked out of his house for writing bad letters about me
• Stealing WiFi
• Eating pizza off the floor
• Drinking out of the milk carton
• Stealing apples
• Stealing items from a store
• Forcing employees to give me discounts
• Breaking too many Terms of Services agreements to name
• JailBreaking an iPhone 6
• Illegal Gambling
• Illegally downloading books and music
• Paying off members of Boston Police Department
• Paying off members of State Senate
• Running red lights
• Not paying my Mass Pike tolls
• Using ‘gas guzzler’ as a car
• Not recycling
• Texting while driving
• Speeding
• Not wearing a seatbelt most of the time while driving
• Hit and Run on December 13, 1999 on Mass Ave, of which I was never arrested
• Not picking up after my dog when he goes to the bathroom
• Not registering my dog
• Money laundering
• Sexual harassment
• Physical abuse towards my wife and assistant
• Emotional abuse towards various women and men working for me
• Rape of several women, including Faith Harris in 2002, Amelia Thomas in 2010, Jane Blume in 2015, and 3 others in the years of 2000, 2005, and 2009.
• Blackmailing my former victims to stay quiet so they don’t mess up my life and my career
For these crimes, I will punish myself. I just ask for forgiveness for every horrible thing that I have ever done, though I do not deserve it.